so its after one in the morning and of course i'm not sleeping. you see i have this thing called insomnia. or maybe im nocturnal. ooor maybe its because i slept till noon today. or yesterday, shall i say.
either way i was compelled to write whats racing through this intricate mind of mine. see what happens when im home alone. turn on the tunes and contimplate the life im living.
this time i have come to the conclusion that no matter how grounded i thought i was, i really have no idea who i really am. i mean my sense of fashion and taste in music hasnt changed much over the years, i'm still friends with pretty much everyone i grew up with and i think i know where i'm headed. so where did this conclusion derive from?
i know. good question, right? every day i am confronted with questions i cant seem to answer. of course theres the obvious like do you want to have kids? or are you ready to get married? well of course i cant answer those i'm 22 with the mind of a 12 year old (exaggerating a bit of course) im not ready to answer those questions.
on the other hand theres situations like why do i cling on to relationships where the other person doesnt put in nearly as much effort as i do and sometimes dismiss the ones that do. or on another note why is it so difficult for me to put my faith in someone. maybe its because of the many broken hearts i have endured. but that all leads back to the initial problem of picking the wrong people in the first place.
you know i dont really have a "best" friend. if that even exists. but you know that one person to share my deepest secrets with. yeah, thats right, i have deep secrets. i mean theres always my boo who i can tell almost everything but we all know theres that line you cant cross with the bffff. thats boyfriend pronounced buh-fffff. and theres my bro's. my real best friends.
yet i still dont have that one person significantly labeled a bestie or bff. no not pronounced buh-fff but an acronym for best friend forever. haha. maybe its because i cant really find that person without truly defining who i am first.
man this is getting pretty heavy.
so i guess i'll continue to try to heal this despairing heart of mine by myself even though i could probably use a little help. if your interested im taking applications. haha.
you know there is one thing i truly know about myself. and i actually kind of pride myself on it. i'm a really good friend. no fuck that i'm a great friend. i always put others before myself even if it falls on the unhealthy side. and oddly enough im always there for the rough stuff even though i cant even get close to fixing my broken pieces. kinda like bri from the real world. that bitch is always giving advice even though her life is the most fucked up. you know except im less of a dumbass and definitely not a stripper haha. i honestly just love to see other people smile especially if i threw it on em'.
either way i've got alot of stuff to work out. join me...won't you!
well i guess thats all for now. just a snippet into my world, if you will.
until we speak again
- i'm still lindsay
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