patience

a virtue that I lack.

lately I have been confronted with situations that have thus made me realize that I need to slow down and take life for what it is sometimes. I dont always need things right now, or a certain way. I dont need to expect so much out of people or from myself for that matter.

I feel like I almost lost a friend last night. a petty fight, if you could call it that, struck out of my own inability to be patient with the differences in human beings. I didn't understand my "best friends" reasoning for her recent actions and, as usual, jumped to my typical 'always thinking the worst' conclusions that something was wrong, she was mad, it was my fault fiasco.

Fiasco. i continually turn my own life into a self-stricken fiasco. Why the fuck would I do that to myself is the real question at heart.

patience. a virtue that I lack.

I feel if i brought more patience into my life I could easily avoid these petty situations of self-doubt and possible loss. I could sit back and think about my actions before acting upon my thoughts. I could place myself in the other persons shoes and then find it easier to understand why (back to my previous story) she would act the way she does.

really it has nothing to do with me. but do i understand that. of course I could type that. i could say it out loud a million times. but do i believe it. do i understand it. of course not. thats my biggest problem. I've got a therapists dream list of problems to work out, but if i were to pick out the one that is the spark to the flame it would be that one. it has nothing to do with me... and i need to believe that.

I have a laundry list of lost friends for no apparent reason. some who mattered less than others, but some who were with me during some of my most life transitioning times, some i 'believed' would be there forever and for everything. but notice the past tense on believe. because they are not there and as far as im concerned they never were. so now that I do have a person in my life that will be there, that has been there, and has shown that she's not going anywhere i walk on what i like to refer to as--eggshells.

fuckin eggshells. so far i've been anything but a good judge of character seeing as i've put my heart and soul into these friendships and have, as previously noted, lost every last one of them. so i continuously think that the common denominator in each of those freindships was of course myself. so it has to be my fault somewhere along the line right?... wrong.... maybe a little right. see I can't even type that its not always my fault because saying it and believing it are two different things.

so here I am talking myself in circles over what may not really make much sense in the first place when all i really wanted to note was I lack patience. and at first intention i was referring to my necessity for things to be instantaneous. like explanations, new shoes, grades, cars, fights and resolutions... the list goes on.

but here i am... again a lost soul with a list of problems. we all have problems though right? so ill move on, wake up tomorrow morning to another beautiful san diego day. kiss the love of my life on the forehead and feed my puppy before i head off to another perfectly scheduled day of , work and chores 'patiently' await the arrival of a roommate/bestie, hope she'll text me a random comment because she wants to share something with me, type up another one of these (because i have set a goal for myself to write more as a personal therapy) and head to bed for another day of self-stricken fiasco.

until we speak again,

i'm still the fucked up version of my formal self

lindsay.

i miss you daddy. every day with everything i have. dodgers are having a good season ;)