Learning Through Lyrics

California is a

state of great diversity. It’s also a state that has struggled to produce a strong public education system for many years. I currently hang my hat in America’s most sought out city—San Diego. But I hail from the small streets of Moreno Valley, California, a city with a population in the 200 thousands but an appeal of small town suburbs where everyone knows everyone and Starbucks is a brand new venture.

I grew up with Music as a major influence in my life. My uncle, brother and myself dabble in instruments and vinyl is a collectin

g habit of the Young family. My brother and I joined the band programs as young as elementary school and found it to be the link behind our social world, passion, creative thinking, and dedication. That being said, I wanted to take a closer look into the idea that Music has the potential to increase education and enhance learning.

Karl Glenn claimed music as one of the great art forms--one in which could mature creativity and enhance education (Glenn, 1992).

Just listening to music has the capability to enhance spatial task performance, design and procedure, and the study of music can

produce higher creative and learning functions (Shaw, Rauscher, & Ky, 1994).

Moreno Valley High School has the lowest academic performances of individuals (API) within Moreno Valley Unified School District.

entry 1. (origianlly posted 12 Jun 2007)

I think one of the hardest things to accomplish throughout a lifetime is truly accepting yourself for who you are. I'm not talking where you're from, what you look like or who you know. Not the music you like food you prefer or your favorite movie. I'm talking about how you make decisions, what you learn and how you justify your conclusions. What you think about your decisions or what other people do for that matter. What inside you determines how you will inevitably be perceived by others? I'm 21 years old and I still wake up every morning in a fog, thicker than an overcast dusk at the beach, a fog the continually forces me to ask questions and somehow find out the answers on my own. But what makes an answer right or wrong? Is it what I think is right or my superiors. But at this point in my life who is considered a superior. I mean professors could care less if I show up to class cause at the end of the day they still get paid, and well, managers value you as little as the satisfied customer leaving their store. Employee's are a dime a dozen really, they come and go as often as cars in a parking garage or good tv series. So what makes my opinion, my decisions, my actions matter except for what I think about them. Maybe it's the possibility that I could have the opportunity to teach a child one day, maybe my child. But then again another question arises, is what I'm teaching the right thing to be learned?
So I've decided life is full of unanswered questions, or shall I say, unanswerable questions, because in all honesty who's really to say what the right answers might be. Many will argue God, but we can all agree that's the most unanswered question amongst them all. Of course we all have something to believe in but in most cases it's different than that of our friends, family, peers and elders. We come to these conclusions on our own because we don't know any other way around it. Who's there to teach us another way when everyone around us is doing things for their own reasons, to satisfy their own beliefs or theories of how this world exists and how we all matter in it.
So how do you accept yourself for who you are when you can't really explain how you got that way in the first place? When the only answer you fall upon is 'just because.' Ideas, thoughts, theories, names, places or reasons pop into your head and the only basis you're mind can muster is what you've lived, witnessed or been taught by someone else who is or who has been in the same state of being. Life as we know it is a never-ending circle of questions, thoughts, experiences or lessons that somehow get passed on from generation to generation in the same fog that I wake up in every morning.
I talked on the phone to three or four different people today, swapping stories and making plans. I don't even like talking on the phone, but for some odd reason I dialed these numbers in hopes to learn something new about the person on the other end but most importantly about myself. You know what I learned? I realized that I tell people often I don't like being alone when in reality I have enjoyed nothing more than these few moments of piece. Of course I must agree that 1200 square feet is quite excessive for one person, but I've spent these moments reading, writing, thinking, organizing, everything that ends with ING. I've spent 21 years trying to figure out who I really am and whether I like that person or not. About 20 and a half years I've disappointed myself. I've picked all the wrong people to put my faith in. I chose the wrong sport to dedicate my life too. I haven't tried hard enough at school or let myself excel at the things I do best. I chose the wrong college. Who pays for school when they don't have too by turning down scholorships? For what? The weather. The closeness to home. The reason not to escape from it all, or trust in myself to become what people might be proud of. 20 and a half years not proud of myself. Is that healthy? I didn't think so either. I'm 21 now and my world has changed. Yeah I still wake up in a fog, I struggle with money, at school, I'm not a very good driver or very graceful on two feet. I'm still deathly afraid to fly or of what lurks 2000 leagues under the sea. I still have trouble putting faith in the right people or giving more and receiving less. I still haven't graduated or told every truth I could. So yeah I still have plenty of reasons to lose faith in myself. But I haven't. I gained a faith I never had before. I value the mistakes I've made. I've learned to ask for help and not to when I don't really need it. So I could be in better shape, I could pick a major and I could clean my room more often. But I don't and after all this time I'm ok with that!
I think one of the hardest things to accomplish throughout a lifetime is truly accepting yourself for who you are. Well this is who I am.
My favorite color has always been red even though I live, breath, eat, bleed Dodger Blue! My favorite food will probably always be mac n' cheese because it reminds me of my stomach against the hardwood floor sandwiched by my big brothers. I'll probably always laugh at things that most people think aren't funny because I truly believe laughter is the best medicine. I'll probably never regularly wear makeup or even figure out how to put it on myself anyways. I'll definitely always like the acoustic song on an album more than the rest. I'll always cry for no apparent reason just cause it feels good sometimes. I'll always let myself down but do my best not to let it show. I'll hope to get married soon to this boy, this boy I value more than myself. I hope to hold onto that love with everything I have, because Love is the greatest feeling to truly capture and I plan to only have it once.
So this is my story. You can read it and forget it. You can value it for merely an opinion or use it to base your own conclusions. But it's just a story. It's 2:43 am. I'm going to go to sleep in a few minutes and surely I'll wake up in a thick haze. I'll Call the love of my life and enjoy a bowl of fruit loops, take a warm shower and put on a hat I've already decided to wear mostly because I feel making small decisions for the next day gives me that extra boost to actually wake up in such a fog and challenge the day to another adventure.
I can't really tell you why I wrote this, and I honestly couldn't blame you if you didn't make it this far in reading it. But if you did you could at least say you know me a little better, and I think I like that. It's good to develop strong relationships not because of where you're from, what music you like, what food you prefer or your favorite movie. Yeah you guessed it, because of you really have become and if you've found to accept it. Good night. 'Gra Go Deo'

entry 2. (originally posted 20 Jun 2007)

I've decided the more time you spend alone the more you figure things out. I mean how often do you really sit there and think about your life and what you're doing in it. So here's my entry of things I've recently figured out about myself, where I've been and where I'm eventually headed.

I'm sitting here, another lonely night, watching "the last kiss," Zach Braff being a personal fav of mine and obviously the first thing I thought was how much I miss Jeremy. I've thought about all the relationships and friendships I've had and the few that actually mattered. I remember when we are all in middle school and high school when having the most friends made life better or fuller, if you will. But to be quite frank, that's shit. I've come to learn that it's ten times better to have a few great friendships and one true love. He's the person that I honestly could say I can't live without. Not a day an hour a moment goes by that I don't feel so full of life with him, or even thinking of him when he's away. My sense of security is at its utmost capacity and my heart doesn't have room for anyone else. So who cares how many friends I have or how many people I know, I have him and that's all that matters.

I've fallen into this remembrance of times that hurt so bad I felt like they couldn't get any worse. But I'm sure we've all been there before. People let people down and I've come to accept it. It's my fault really; I put too much time and effort into being there for others I couldn't truly expect to get it in return right. But through all this painstaking misery, through all those times I've cried so hard or stopped breathing for the few moments to let it all sink in I've gotten so much more in return. I've come to appreciate those who do put in as much as me more. I've seen the greater side of people I would have missed without the heartache.

I've never cried harder than I have these past few weeks. The second he walked out the door I felt as though my heart stopped beating. I thought I couldn't live without him and here I am on my own and ironically enough I've learned to live. I've learned to accept that people can love me as much as I do them. Like sometimes I feel like he can love me more with all that he's gotten me through. But obviously that's not possible I mean I've permanently tattooed my love for him on my skin. I've learned to have faith in life. Things hurt sometimes, they can fucking hurt so bad you don't want to get out of bed but that's what makes you who you are right? It's the reasons, the places, and the people that pull you out of bed in the morning that make life worth living.

So here I am alone again and I'm okay with it. Yeah I cried tonight watching this movie about a guy cheating on his pregnant girlfriend because he's scared to realize that this may just be how his life is supposed to end up. Man was I a little bit of both characters. I'm the girlfriend in that I can't wait to settle down with my one true love. I've put my whole world into the single most important thing in my life and if anything were to jeopardize this bliss it would all come crashing down before my eyes. I'm the boyfriend in that I'm constantly terrified if this is how my life is supposed to be. Have I made all the right choices and God forbid could I have done better? How do you know? How can you honestly not be scared that how you end up might be because you fucked up along the way? I constantly fear I haven't become the person I was planned out to be. But what do you do? I guess that's the most important lesson I've learned through all this thought. Even if I haven't become the person I was supposed to be I've created this life on my own so I guess, as contradictory as it sounds, I actually have become who I'm supposed to be. I've grown and yeah I've messed up, I've messed up pretty bad, but I've learned. And even though it's not all perfect life's not supposed to be right? I'm gonna have to end this with the lyrics to one of my all time favorite songs.

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
Its all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.

Entry 3. (originally posted 1 Jul 2007)

trust. faith. hope. love. happiness.

The things we all spend our whole lives searching for and very few of us capture their essence.

I used to trust everything and everyone. I used to trust myself. but as I grow with all the challenges I've faced I no longer am strong enough to put my faith in someone else let alone myself. So many people have let me down. I let myself down almost every day. I didn't do this, try that, or accoplish what I set out to do. How can I trust other people not to let me down when I can't even trust myself right?

I have faith that things will eventually turn out the way they were planned. I've learned to take things as they come and live life day by day. I've always made such big plans, I used to have my whole life set. yet with time and struggle came failure. I don't take failure to well. I no longer make plans on how to live or what to acheive. I plan to live and thats all. I put faith in small things because I then don't let myself down as much. I have faith the dodgers will win the world series. and i have alot of time to see that happen. I have faith in my relationship with the most perfect boy in the world. and I plan to be with him forever. And i have faith that i will one day be successful I just stopped planning how that was going to happen.

I hope I learn enough to make life easier on myself. It's tough living in constant struggle but it's easy to hope for the best. I hope every day to meet the person or people that can change my life.
And I believe I've come across a few of those people.
I hope i've changed someone else's life. I hope i've made my parents proud and set an example for others.

I love life. The sense of being alive, sharing it with others, learning who I am and who I might become. I love, love! the greatest feeling is knowing you have someone there to support you in all of your decisions. someone to pick you up when you fall and raise you higher when your off the ground. I love the relationships you can build with others to where you can learn to trust them.

and here we are at the beginning again. when you hope to love, you can love, and when you love you can trust and when you can trust I have faith you can be Happy.

Theres my thoughts for tonight.

I miss you my love, with every second that passes i feel more alone than ever. You are my world and I can;t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.


-lindsay

Tucson, My hell on earth (originally posted 29 Oct 2007)

Have you ever felt like your life was finally turning around for the best. Like all the things you've spent sooo long trying to figure out we're really coming together. and if you've ever felt this, this overwhelming feeling of content has it been stripped from you in an instant.

I Have.

This friday afternoon I was actually have a conversation with great friends on how deep i was in this hole of mine but because of them, because of my amazing boyfriend, roommate, team, family, car I had gotten myself out and truly felt happy. My hole had turned into a ditch if you will, so yeah, i might tripp and fall in but not deep enough to be where i've been not so long ago.

This conversation actually took place moments before the worst moment of my life.

So im driving to tucson arizona with some on the best people I know in the car with me. Im on the phone with my best friend spittin vegas vacation jokes before we enter yuma arizona and Literally speaking the words "I love My life!" when a semi truck runs me off the road and my heart stops. we land in a ditch, oddly enough, on the roof of my car and i honestly cant breath, cant think, cant bare to know how the people sitting next to me are.

Have you ever had your life flash before you eyes. I have the first time I flipped my car off the freeway. But this time I had the lives of others flash. this time my world almost ended on the account of others well being. I never thought i could be responsible for someone I care so much about. I never knew what it felt like to lose someone with a blink of an eye. It's indescribable really and something I'm not sure i'll ever be able to overcome.

We're all fine! thank God. again I have survived what has brought an end to so many.
yet it's 3 days later and my heart still skips beats, my eyes dont close tight enough when
Sleep, i cant breath deep, or look in their eyes and not die inside. I could care less
about my most prized posession lying upside down in the dirt ditch that has
metaphorically become my deep hole again.

I couldn't be more thankful for whatever up there has gotten me through another catastrophic event. I couldn't have more faith in life for salvaging the lives of those three amazing girls. I couldn't appreciate more the people around me that have put forth the effort to get me out of this mental state. and yet i cant breath deep, close my eyes tight, or look in their eyes and not absolutely fall to pieces. how do you escape this. I'm not sure you can tell me how.

This life. this crazy life has not ceased to amaze me. scare me. break me. so please bare with me because i've yet to believe in me.

To those of you affected by this. I'm sorry. I'm as sorry as I'll ever be. and I want you to know. to really know that I would never intentionally do anything that could possibly hurt you. and im trying so hard to break myself of this. this overwhelming feeling of disappointment in myself. I love you and I'll never leave your sight
without reminding you of that.

lyndz <3

originally posted 02 May 2008

aw, well what to say tonight. another lonely night at an odd hour of the morning. actually according to my cable box it just struck 2 am which would make it an even hour of the morning. haha told you i make myself laugh more than anyone else.

so i'm listening to mandy moore, the spill canvas, and flyleaf mix. it's kind of a blissful time for me. aside from the fact that i'm struggling through writing this paper due tomorrow. I have to try to put myself in the shoes of someone who actually experienced the holocaust. seriously though how am I supposed to do that. I cannot fathom the words descriptive enough of how icredibly terrible that entire situation played out to be. so i've decided to tell my teacher those words exactly and take the time to mention how much my eyes have been opened and my heart strengthened towards people. as if I didnt already care about people enough as it is.

so we got our dream house. WOW i can't believe for once i may actually love where i live. my room, my roommates (not that i don't love my current roommate, because i do, she's one special girl) but the whole thought of my upcoming nuptuals excites me like christmas eve. maybe thats why i cant sleep. seriously though 4 bed 2 bath, the fourth bedroom transformed into entertainment city so we can throw kickin parties with pita spinnin and me continuing to dominate in wii tennis. thats right DOMINATE. in the heart of north park. how sick is that. i know, its ok to be jealous. i would be... but im not, cuz its me hahaha not to rub it in.

so i bought a bike this week. and it rules. i havent ridin it yet, how sad is that? but i am tomorrow. seriously i got my bike lock today so i can protect my awesome property. i picked out my outfit for tomorrow and set my alarm a little earlier so i can ride to the trolly and cruise the campus tomorrow on my sweet wheels. im pretty stoked.

still awaiting a call from the job of my dreams. i have until may 12 to freak out over whether they want me in for an interview or not. how stressful right. but im trying not to think about that considering im already stressed about my grade of the goddamn GSP. eff that test man. i should get my score next week and well you'll all find out how that fares at that time. hopefully well, but whos to say with how lame grammar is. and now that im talking about grammar please dont go through and correct any of my mistakes in this or any of my myspace writings that is. cuz well that would be lame and i wouldnt like you anymore if you did.

well i guess thats all for now. back to my paper and hopefully dream town by 3 am. an odd hour of the night. ha!

peace love and happiness. please!

lindsay

another blast from the past (originally posted 18 Jun 2008)

so this is really random of me i suppose but i just got in the mood to tell ya'll some random shizz about myself. don't ask me why because i would have nothing to tell you. i just plain feel like it.

maybe its just because i like to write. and i like myself. so why not write about myself. haha

anywhoo. lets start with this. i have a black tea, unstweetened with no water (yeah i like it strong) almost every morning. and sometimes i get it for like 50 cents. aww to have friends in high places. and yes i think the people that provide me with the caffeine stricken beverage that gets me through my day are in high places.

I have fallen in love with my car. yeah it took me a while because well if you know me you know it wasnt a car i really chose to purchase. wanna know what im talking about. here's a quick rundown. i used to have a big truck. aww my love. then gas jumped up to like 3 dollars at the time which seemed outrageous. funny how things turned out. well with 2 jobs and school blah blah blah i was driving way to much to have a gas guzzler. traded the puppy in for a scion tc. my one true love. ran off the road by a semi- most traumatizing day of my life that still haunts my dreams (see photos in soccer shinanigans album). anywhoo then purchased this little devil on the whim of a slight employee discount my daddy gets. turns out it was the best car i could be driving while exxon mobil continues to make drivers bend over and take it up the tail pipe. well long story short on that one i've really grown to love howard "howie" the sweet civ-ee who gets me from point a to point b in what i like to see as true san diego style. windows down music blazin, bike rack in tow. im starting to enjoy driving again.

ok so the past few weeks have shown me that i truly love to be busy. even if it is working to much for not enough if you know what im saying. but honestly its moments like this (home alone with jack to do) that i'm a little on the unhappy side. i just want to do something. more than spit shit with the cyber world. ya dig. i like to work. what the fuck. did i just say that. shit. i did. but i do. mostly because i've met my best friends at jobs especially my current occupance at the container store. i have found that you can truly be yourself around the people that work there and because of that i have made friends like never before. so i dont mind working every day. i dunno mayb e its the a-d-h-d in me that i always need to be moving. and work is a perfect solution.

well moving on i'm bored with that subject. so here's a distinct quality. i love color. as a matter of fact im not a big fan of wearing black without at least adding a little colorful flare. you know. and on that note i guess i'll express my love for ridiculous shoes. like i just bought these shoes. they're high-tops. black and white with silver around the laces, and for the best part a pink lightning bolt. fuck yeah dude. a hot pink lightning bolt. and i'm currently in the market for these nikes. accented with black demin lime green and hot pink. ska-dooosh.

my new addition to the color scheme is rad sunglasses. i used to only wear brand name shades. then i decided that was lame. with exception to the oakleys and von zip's i still own and rock hard. but cheap ass random colored specs. thats what i'm talkin about.

so i walked into work the other day, not going to work, just pickin some stuff up with my killer discount and everyone threw a peace sign at me. did i forget to mention im your average day hippie. v-necks, vests, flip flops/vans classics and some tore up jeans. my outfit of choice. so im super casual. can you blame me. its flippen comfortable. i do have a thing for shirts that show off the boobies though. not that i'm trying to pick up anyone. just like to show off one of my best assets bahhhhh.

lets see. i like. lightning bolts. my bike (cruuuuiser). full house. indie flicks. funk. yeah i said it. funk. not the smell huh. video games. especially wiiiiiiiii. soccer. the sun. 80 degrees or hotter please. big goofy looking sharks (see video in my comments). the word oscillating. its fun to say. pickles. pizza. possibly in the same meal. writing. muuuuusak. periods. no not the menstual cycle. the punctuation piont. but im sure you could have figured that one out.

right now my favorite thing to do is drink with pita and spit stupid shit until we fall to the floor laughing. actually turns out we dont even need to drink. if theres a snake involved its fuckin high-larious.

i love amanda bynes. or at least her show what i like about you. seriously. watch it, its fliipen awesome. i like writing on this blog and then checking to see if anyone has read it. even though i have no idea who those people might be. i like to think i could be friends with people on reality tv shows. haha yeah im fooled by them, scripted or not, that the people on them are really being themselves. i get to the point where i feel like i know em. haha lame i know. but dont act like you dont too. like bri on the real world. what a dumbass. i dont think we'd hit it off. but brittany from a shot at love 2. yeah we'd be homies fo sho. ha i'm trying to make it to an event shes hosting on friday so if your in to go let me know hahahaha. man i make myself laugh sometimes on being so pathetic. but whatever you can never have enough friends right so i mine as well try to make some with strangers. whatever dont judge me i dont judge you.

well. ive decided to mkae something to eat right now. so ill come back to this later.

until then i hope you were entertained.

- im still lindsay.