entry 2. (originally posted 20 Jun 2007)

I've decided the more time you spend alone the more you figure things out. I mean how often do you really sit there and think about your life and what you're doing in it. So here's my entry of things I've recently figured out about myself, where I've been and where I'm eventually headed.

I'm sitting here, another lonely night, watching "the last kiss," Zach Braff being a personal fav of mine and obviously the first thing I thought was how much I miss Jeremy. I've thought about all the relationships and friendships I've had and the few that actually mattered. I remember when we are all in middle school and high school when having the most friends made life better or fuller, if you will. But to be quite frank, that's shit. I've come to learn that it's ten times better to have a few great friendships and one true love. He's the person that I honestly could say I can't live without. Not a day an hour a moment goes by that I don't feel so full of life with him, or even thinking of him when he's away. My sense of security is at its utmost capacity and my heart doesn't have room for anyone else. So who cares how many friends I have or how many people I know, I have him and that's all that matters.

I've fallen into this remembrance of times that hurt so bad I felt like they couldn't get any worse. But I'm sure we've all been there before. People let people down and I've come to accept it. It's my fault really; I put too much time and effort into being there for others I couldn't truly expect to get it in return right. But through all this painstaking misery, through all those times I've cried so hard or stopped breathing for the few moments to let it all sink in I've gotten so much more in return. I've come to appreciate those who do put in as much as me more. I've seen the greater side of people I would have missed without the heartache.

I've never cried harder than I have these past few weeks. The second he walked out the door I felt as though my heart stopped beating. I thought I couldn't live without him and here I am on my own and ironically enough I've learned to live. I've learned to accept that people can love me as much as I do them. Like sometimes I feel like he can love me more with all that he's gotten me through. But obviously that's not possible I mean I've permanently tattooed my love for him on my skin. I've learned to have faith in life. Things hurt sometimes, they can fucking hurt so bad you don't want to get out of bed but that's what makes you who you are right? It's the reasons, the places, and the people that pull you out of bed in the morning that make life worth living.

So here I am alone again and I'm okay with it. Yeah I cried tonight watching this movie about a guy cheating on his pregnant girlfriend because he's scared to realize that this may just be how his life is supposed to end up. Man was I a little bit of both characters. I'm the girlfriend in that I can't wait to settle down with my one true love. I've put my whole world into the single most important thing in my life and if anything were to jeopardize this bliss it would all come crashing down before my eyes. I'm the boyfriend in that I'm constantly terrified if this is how my life is supposed to be. Have I made all the right choices and God forbid could I have done better? How do you know? How can you honestly not be scared that how you end up might be because you fucked up along the way? I constantly fear I haven't become the person I was planned out to be. But what do you do? I guess that's the most important lesson I've learned through all this thought. Even if I haven't become the person I was supposed to be I've created this life on my own so I guess, as contradictory as it sounds, I actually have become who I'm supposed to be. I've grown and yeah I've messed up, I've messed up pretty bad, but I've learned. And even though it's not all perfect life's not supposed to be right? I'm gonna have to end this with the lyrics to one of my all time favorite songs.

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
Its all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.