I think one of the hardest things to accomplish throughout a lifetime is truly accepting yourself for who you are. I'm not talking where you're from, what you look like or who you know. Not the music you like food you prefer or your favorite movie. I'm talking about how you make decisions, what you learn and how you justify your conclusions. What you think about your decisions or what other people do for that matter. What inside you determines how you will inevitably be perceived by others? I'm 21 years old and I still wake up every morning in a fog, thicker than an overcast dusk at the beach, a fog the continually forces me to ask questions and somehow find out the answers on my own. But what makes an answer right or wrong? Is it what I think is right or my superiors. But at this point in my life who is considered a superior. I mean professors could care less if I show up to class cause at the end of the day they still get paid, and well, managers value you as little as the satisfied customer leaving their store. Employee's are a dime a dozen really, they come and go as often as cars in a parking garage or good tv series. So what makes my opinion, my decisions, my actions matter except for what I think about them. Maybe it's the possibility that I could have the opportunity to teach a child one day, maybe my child. But then again another question arises, is what I'm teaching the right thing to be learned?
So I've decided life is full of unanswered questions, or shall I say, unanswerable questions, because in all honesty who's really to say what the right answers might be. Many will argue God, but we can all agree that's the most unanswered question amongst them all. Of course we all have something to believe in but in most cases it's different than that of our friends, family, peers and elders. We come to these conclusions on our own because we don't know any other way around it. Who's there to teach us another way when everyone around us is doing things for their own reasons, to satisfy their own beliefs or theories of how this world exists and how we all matter in it.
So how do you accept yourself for who you are when you can't really explain how you got that way in the first place? When the only answer you fall upon is 'just because.' Ideas, thoughts, theories, names, places or reasons pop into your head and the only basis you're mind can muster is what you've lived, witnessed or been taught by someone else who is or who has been in the same state of being. Life as we know it is a never-ending circle of questions, thoughts, experiences or lessons that somehow get passed on from generation to generation in the same fog that I wake up in every morning.
I talked on the phone to three or four different people today, swapping stories and making plans. I don't even like talking on the phone, but for some odd reason I dialed these numbers in hopes to learn something new about the person on the other end but most importantly about myself. You know what I learned? I realized that I tell people often I don't like being alone when in reality I have enjoyed nothing more than these few moments of piece. Of course I must agree that 1200 square feet is quite excessive for one person, but I've spent these moments reading, writing, thinking, organizing, everything that ends with ING. I've spent 21 years trying to figure out who I really am and whether I like that person or not. About 20 and a half years I've disappointed myself. I've picked all the wrong people to put my faith in. I chose the wrong sport to dedicate my life too. I haven't tried hard enough at school or let myself excel at the things I do best. I chose the wrong college. Who pays for school when they don't have too by turning down scholorships? For what? The weather. The closeness to home. The reason not to escape from it all, or trust in myself to become what people might be proud of. 20 and a half years not proud of myself. Is that healthy? I didn't think so either. I'm 21 now and my world has changed. Yeah I still wake up in a fog, I struggle with money, at school, I'm not a very good driver or very graceful on two feet. I'm still deathly afraid to fly or of what lurks 2000 leagues under the sea. I still have trouble putting faith in the right people or giving more and receiving less. I still haven't graduated or told every truth I could. So yeah I still have plenty of reasons to lose faith in myself. But I haven't. I gained a faith I never had before. I value the mistakes I've made. I've learned to ask for help and not to when I don't really need it. So I could be in better shape, I could pick a major and I could clean my room more often. But I don't and after all this time I'm ok with that!
I think one of the hardest things to accomplish throughout a lifetime is truly accepting yourself for who you are. Well this is who I am.
My favorite color has always been red even though I live, breath, eat, bleed Dodger Blue! My favorite food will probably always be mac n' cheese because it reminds me of my stomach against the hardwood floor sandwiched by my big brothers. I'll probably always laugh at things that most people think aren't funny because I truly believe laughter is the best medicine. I'll probably never regularly wear makeup or even figure out how to put it on myself anyways. I'll definitely always like the acoustic song on an album more than the rest. I'll always cry for no apparent reason just cause it feels good sometimes. I'll always let myself down but do my best not to let it show. I'll hope to get married soon to this boy, this boy I value more than myself. I hope to hold onto that love with everything I have, because Love is the greatest feeling to truly capture and I plan to only have it once.
So this is my story. You can read it and forget it. You can value it for merely an opinion or use it to base your own conclusions. But it's just a story. It's 2:43 am. I'm going to go to sleep in a few minutes and surely I'll wake up in a thick haze. I'll Call the love of my life and enjoy a bowl of fruit loops, take a warm shower and put on a hat I've already decided to wear mostly because I feel making small decisions for the next day gives me that extra boost to actually wake up in such a fog and challenge the day to another adventure.
I can't really tell you why I wrote this, and I honestly couldn't blame you if you didn't make it this far in reading it. But if you did you could at least say you know me a little better, and I think I like that. It's good to develop strong relationships not because of where you're from, what music you like, what food you prefer or your favorite movie. Yeah you guessed it, because of you really have become and if you've found to accept it. Good night. 'Gra Go Deo'
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