Have you ever felt like your life was finally turning around for the best. Like all the things you've spent sooo long trying to figure out we're really coming together. and if you've ever felt this, this overwhelming feeling of content has it been stripped from you in an instant.
I Have.
This friday afternoon I was actually have a conversation with great friends on how deep i was in this hole of mine but because of them, because of my amazing boyfriend, roommate, team, family, car I had gotten myself out and truly felt happy. My hole had turned into a ditch if you will, so yeah, i might tripp and fall in but not deep enough to be where i've been not so long ago.
This conversation actually took place moments before the worst moment of my life.
So im driving to tucson arizona with some on the best people I know in the car with me. Im on the phone with my best friend spittin vegas vacation jokes before we enter yuma arizona and Literally speaking the words "I love My life!" when a semi truck runs me off the road and my heart stops. we land in a ditch, oddly enough, on the roof of my car and i honestly cant breath, cant think, cant bare to know how the people sitting next to me are.
Have you ever had your life flash before you eyes. I have the first time I flipped my car off the freeway. But this time I had the lives of others flash. this time my world almost ended on the account of others well being. I never thought i could be responsible for someone I care so much about. I never knew what it felt like to lose someone with a blink of an eye. It's indescribable really and something I'm not sure i'll ever be able to overcome.
We're all fine! thank God. again I have survived what has brought an end to so many.
yet it's 3 days later and my heart still skips beats, my eyes dont close tight enough when
Sleep, i cant breath deep, or look in their eyes and not die inside. I could care less
about my most prized posession lying upside down in the dirt ditch that has
metaphorically become my deep hole again.
I couldn't be more thankful for whatever up there has gotten me through another catastrophic event. I couldn't have more faith in life for salvaging the lives of those three amazing girls. I couldn't appreciate more the people around me that have put forth the effort to get me out of this mental state. and yet i cant breath deep, close my eyes tight, or look in their eyes and not absolutely fall to pieces. how do you escape this. I'm not sure you can tell me how.
This life. this crazy life has not ceased to amaze me. scare me. break me. so please bare with me because i've yet to believe in me.
To those of you affected by this. I'm sorry. I'm as sorry as I'll ever be. and I want you to know. to really know that I would never intentionally do anything that could possibly hurt you. and im trying so hard to break myself of this. this overwhelming feeling of disappointment in myself. I love you and I'll never leave your sight
without reminding you of that.
lyndz <3
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