Entry 3. (originally posted 1 Jul 2007)

trust. faith. hope. love. happiness.

The things we all spend our whole lives searching for and very few of us capture their essence.

I used to trust everything and everyone. I used to trust myself. but as I grow with all the challenges I've faced I no longer am strong enough to put my faith in someone else let alone myself. So many people have let me down. I let myself down almost every day. I didn't do this, try that, or accoplish what I set out to do. How can I trust other people not to let me down when I can't even trust myself right?

I have faith that things will eventually turn out the way they were planned. I've learned to take things as they come and live life day by day. I've always made such big plans, I used to have my whole life set. yet with time and struggle came failure. I don't take failure to well. I no longer make plans on how to live or what to acheive. I plan to live and thats all. I put faith in small things because I then don't let myself down as much. I have faith the dodgers will win the world series. and i have alot of time to see that happen. I have faith in my relationship with the most perfect boy in the world. and I plan to be with him forever. And i have faith that i will one day be successful I just stopped planning how that was going to happen.

I hope I learn enough to make life easier on myself. It's tough living in constant struggle but it's easy to hope for the best. I hope every day to meet the person or people that can change my life.
And I believe I've come across a few of those people.
I hope i've changed someone else's life. I hope i've made my parents proud and set an example for others.

I love life. The sense of being alive, sharing it with others, learning who I am and who I might become. I love, love! the greatest feeling is knowing you have someone there to support you in all of your decisions. someone to pick you up when you fall and raise you higher when your off the ground. I love the relationships you can build with others to where you can learn to trust them.

and here we are at the beginning again. when you hope to love, you can love, and when you love you can trust and when you can trust I have faith you can be Happy.

Theres my thoughts for tonight.

I miss you my love, with every second that passes i feel more alone than ever. You are my world and I can;t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.


-lindsay

Tucson, My hell on earth (originally posted 29 Oct 2007)

Have you ever felt like your life was finally turning around for the best. Like all the things you've spent sooo long trying to figure out we're really coming together. and if you've ever felt this, this overwhelming feeling of content has it been stripped from you in an instant.

I Have.

This friday afternoon I was actually have a conversation with great friends on how deep i was in this hole of mine but because of them, because of my amazing boyfriend, roommate, team, family, car I had gotten myself out and truly felt happy. My hole had turned into a ditch if you will, so yeah, i might tripp and fall in but not deep enough to be where i've been not so long ago.

This conversation actually took place moments before the worst moment of my life.

So im driving to tucson arizona with some on the best people I know in the car with me. Im on the phone with my best friend spittin vegas vacation jokes before we enter yuma arizona and Literally speaking the words "I love My life!" when a semi truck runs me off the road and my heart stops. we land in a ditch, oddly enough, on the roof of my car and i honestly cant breath, cant think, cant bare to know how the people sitting next to me are.

Have you ever had your life flash before you eyes. I have the first time I flipped my car off the freeway. But this time I had the lives of others flash. this time my world almost ended on the account of others well being. I never thought i could be responsible for someone I care so much about. I never knew what it felt like to lose someone with a blink of an eye. It's indescribable really and something I'm not sure i'll ever be able to overcome.

We're all fine! thank God. again I have survived what has brought an end to so many.
yet it's 3 days later and my heart still skips beats, my eyes dont close tight enough when
Sleep, i cant breath deep, or look in their eyes and not die inside. I could care less
about my most prized posession lying upside down in the dirt ditch that has
metaphorically become my deep hole again.

I couldn't be more thankful for whatever up there has gotten me through another catastrophic event. I couldn't have more faith in life for salvaging the lives of those three amazing girls. I couldn't appreciate more the people around me that have put forth the effort to get me out of this mental state. and yet i cant breath deep, close my eyes tight, or look in their eyes and not absolutely fall to pieces. how do you escape this. I'm not sure you can tell me how.

This life. this crazy life has not ceased to amaze me. scare me. break me. so please bare with me because i've yet to believe in me.

To those of you affected by this. I'm sorry. I'm as sorry as I'll ever be. and I want you to know. to really know that I would never intentionally do anything that could possibly hurt you. and im trying so hard to break myself of this. this overwhelming feeling of disappointment in myself. I love you and I'll never leave your sight
without reminding you of that.

lyndz <3

originally posted 02 May 2008

aw, well what to say tonight. another lonely night at an odd hour of the morning. actually according to my cable box it just struck 2 am which would make it an even hour of the morning. haha told you i make myself laugh more than anyone else.

so i'm listening to mandy moore, the spill canvas, and flyleaf mix. it's kind of a blissful time for me. aside from the fact that i'm struggling through writing this paper due tomorrow. I have to try to put myself in the shoes of someone who actually experienced the holocaust. seriously though how am I supposed to do that. I cannot fathom the words descriptive enough of how icredibly terrible that entire situation played out to be. so i've decided to tell my teacher those words exactly and take the time to mention how much my eyes have been opened and my heart strengthened towards people. as if I didnt already care about people enough as it is.

so we got our dream house. WOW i can't believe for once i may actually love where i live. my room, my roommates (not that i don't love my current roommate, because i do, she's one special girl) but the whole thought of my upcoming nuptuals excites me like christmas eve. maybe thats why i cant sleep. seriously though 4 bed 2 bath, the fourth bedroom transformed into entertainment city so we can throw kickin parties with pita spinnin and me continuing to dominate in wii tennis. thats right DOMINATE. in the heart of north park. how sick is that. i know, its ok to be jealous. i would be... but im not, cuz its me hahaha not to rub it in.

so i bought a bike this week. and it rules. i havent ridin it yet, how sad is that? but i am tomorrow. seriously i got my bike lock today so i can protect my awesome property. i picked out my outfit for tomorrow and set my alarm a little earlier so i can ride to the trolly and cruise the campus tomorrow on my sweet wheels. im pretty stoked.

still awaiting a call from the job of my dreams. i have until may 12 to freak out over whether they want me in for an interview or not. how stressful right. but im trying not to think about that considering im already stressed about my grade of the goddamn GSP. eff that test man. i should get my score next week and well you'll all find out how that fares at that time. hopefully well, but whos to say with how lame grammar is. and now that im talking about grammar please dont go through and correct any of my mistakes in this or any of my myspace writings that is. cuz well that would be lame and i wouldnt like you anymore if you did.

well i guess thats all for now. back to my paper and hopefully dream town by 3 am. an odd hour of the night. ha!

peace love and happiness. please!

lindsay

another blast from the past (originally posted 18 Jun 2008)

so this is really random of me i suppose but i just got in the mood to tell ya'll some random shizz about myself. don't ask me why because i would have nothing to tell you. i just plain feel like it.

maybe its just because i like to write. and i like myself. so why not write about myself. haha

anywhoo. lets start with this. i have a black tea, unstweetened with no water (yeah i like it strong) almost every morning. and sometimes i get it for like 50 cents. aww to have friends in high places. and yes i think the people that provide me with the caffeine stricken beverage that gets me through my day are in high places.

I have fallen in love with my car. yeah it took me a while because well if you know me you know it wasnt a car i really chose to purchase. wanna know what im talking about. here's a quick rundown. i used to have a big truck. aww my love. then gas jumped up to like 3 dollars at the time which seemed outrageous. funny how things turned out. well with 2 jobs and school blah blah blah i was driving way to much to have a gas guzzler. traded the puppy in for a scion tc. my one true love. ran off the road by a semi- most traumatizing day of my life that still haunts my dreams (see photos in soccer shinanigans album). anywhoo then purchased this little devil on the whim of a slight employee discount my daddy gets. turns out it was the best car i could be driving while exxon mobil continues to make drivers bend over and take it up the tail pipe. well long story short on that one i've really grown to love howard "howie" the sweet civ-ee who gets me from point a to point b in what i like to see as true san diego style. windows down music blazin, bike rack in tow. im starting to enjoy driving again.

ok so the past few weeks have shown me that i truly love to be busy. even if it is working to much for not enough if you know what im saying. but honestly its moments like this (home alone with jack to do) that i'm a little on the unhappy side. i just want to do something. more than spit shit with the cyber world. ya dig. i like to work. what the fuck. did i just say that. shit. i did. but i do. mostly because i've met my best friends at jobs especially my current occupance at the container store. i have found that you can truly be yourself around the people that work there and because of that i have made friends like never before. so i dont mind working every day. i dunno mayb e its the a-d-h-d in me that i always need to be moving. and work is a perfect solution.

well moving on i'm bored with that subject. so here's a distinct quality. i love color. as a matter of fact im not a big fan of wearing black without at least adding a little colorful flare. you know. and on that note i guess i'll express my love for ridiculous shoes. like i just bought these shoes. they're high-tops. black and white with silver around the laces, and for the best part a pink lightning bolt. fuck yeah dude. a hot pink lightning bolt. and i'm currently in the market for these nikes. accented with black demin lime green and hot pink. ska-dooosh.

my new addition to the color scheme is rad sunglasses. i used to only wear brand name shades. then i decided that was lame. with exception to the oakleys and von zip's i still own and rock hard. but cheap ass random colored specs. thats what i'm talkin about.

so i walked into work the other day, not going to work, just pickin some stuff up with my killer discount and everyone threw a peace sign at me. did i forget to mention im your average day hippie. v-necks, vests, flip flops/vans classics and some tore up jeans. my outfit of choice. so im super casual. can you blame me. its flippen comfortable. i do have a thing for shirts that show off the boobies though. not that i'm trying to pick up anyone. just like to show off one of my best assets bahhhhh.

lets see. i like. lightning bolts. my bike (cruuuuiser). full house. indie flicks. funk. yeah i said it. funk. not the smell huh. video games. especially wiiiiiiiii. soccer. the sun. 80 degrees or hotter please. big goofy looking sharks (see video in my comments). the word oscillating. its fun to say. pickles. pizza. possibly in the same meal. writing. muuuuusak. periods. no not the menstual cycle. the punctuation piont. but im sure you could have figured that one out.

right now my favorite thing to do is drink with pita and spit stupid shit until we fall to the floor laughing. actually turns out we dont even need to drink. if theres a snake involved its fuckin high-larious.

i love amanda bynes. or at least her show what i like about you. seriously. watch it, its fliipen awesome. i like writing on this blog and then checking to see if anyone has read it. even though i have no idea who those people might be. i like to think i could be friends with people on reality tv shows. haha yeah im fooled by them, scripted or not, that the people on them are really being themselves. i get to the point where i feel like i know em. haha lame i know. but dont act like you dont too. like bri on the real world. what a dumbass. i dont think we'd hit it off. but brittany from a shot at love 2. yeah we'd be homies fo sho. ha i'm trying to make it to an event shes hosting on friday so if your in to go let me know hahahaha. man i make myself laugh sometimes on being so pathetic. but whatever you can never have enough friends right so i mine as well try to make some with strangers. whatever dont judge me i dont judge you.

well. ive decided to mkae something to eat right now. so ill come back to this later.

until then i hope you were entertained.

- im still lindsay.

Oldie but goodie (originally posted 22 Jun 2008)

hello again.

so its after one in the morning and of course i'm not sleeping. you see i have this thing called insomnia. or maybe im nocturnal. ooor maybe its because i slept till noon today. or yesterday, shall i say.

either way i was compelled to write whats racing through this intricate mind of mine. see what happens when im home alone. turn on the tunes and contimplate the life im living.

this time i have come to the conclusion that no matter how grounded i thought i was, i really have no idea who i really am. i mean my sense of fashion and taste in music hasnt changed much over the years, i'm still friends with pretty much everyone i grew up with and i think i know where i'm headed. so where did this conclusion derive from?

i know. good question, right? every day i am confronted with questions i cant seem to answer. of course theres the obvious like do you want to have kids? or are you ready to get married? well of course i cant answer those i'm 22 with the mind of a 12 year old (exaggerating a bit of course) im not ready to answer those questions.

on the other hand theres situations like why do i cling on to relationships where the other person doesnt put in nearly as much effort as i do and sometimes dismiss the ones that do. or on another note why is it so difficult for me to put my faith in someone. maybe its because of the many broken hearts i have endured. but that all leads back to the initial problem of picking the wrong people in the first place.

you know i dont really have a "best" friend. if that even exists. but you know that one person to share my deepest secrets with. yeah, thats right, i have deep secrets. i mean theres always my boo who i can tell almost everything but we all know theres that line you cant cross with the bffff. thats boyfriend pronounced buh-fffff. and theres my bro's. my real best friends.

yet i still dont have that one person significantly labeled a bestie or bff. no not pronounced buh-fff but an acronym for best friend forever. haha. maybe its because i cant really find that person without truly defining who i am first.

man this is getting pretty heavy.

so i guess i'll continue to try to heal this despairing heart of mine by myself even though i could probably use a little help. if your interested im taking applications. haha.

you know there is one thing i truly know about myself. and i actually kind of pride myself on it. i'm a really good friend. no fuck that i'm a great friend. i always put others before myself even if it falls on the unhealthy side. and oddly enough im always there for the rough stuff even though i cant even get close to fixing my broken pieces. kinda like bri from the real world. that bitch is always giving advice even though her life is the most fucked up. you know except im less of a dumbass and definitely not a stripper haha. i honestly just love to see other people smile especially if i threw it on em'.

either way i've got alot of stuff to work out. join me...won't you!

well i guess thats all for now. just a snippet into my world, if you will.

until we speak again

- i'm still lindsay

patience

a virtue that I lack.

lately I have been confronted with situations that have thus made me realize that I need to slow down and take life for what it is sometimes. I dont always need things right now, or a certain way. I dont need to expect so much out of people or from myself for that matter.

I feel like I almost lost a friend last night. a petty fight, if you could call it that, struck out of my own inability to be patient with the differences in human beings. I didn't understand my "best friends" reasoning for her recent actions and, as usual, jumped to my typical 'always thinking the worst' conclusions that something was wrong, she was mad, it was my fault fiasco.

Fiasco. i continually turn my own life into a self-stricken fiasco. Why the fuck would I do that to myself is the real question at heart.

patience. a virtue that I lack.

I feel if i brought more patience into my life I could easily avoid these petty situations of self-doubt and possible loss. I could sit back and think about my actions before acting upon my thoughts. I could place myself in the other persons shoes and then find it easier to understand why (back to my previous story) she would act the way she does.

really it has nothing to do with me. but do i understand that. of course I could type that. i could say it out loud a million times. but do i believe it. do i understand it. of course not. thats my biggest problem. I've got a therapists dream list of problems to work out, but if i were to pick out the one that is the spark to the flame it would be that one. it has nothing to do with me... and i need to believe that.

I have a laundry list of lost friends for no apparent reason. some who mattered less than others, but some who were with me during some of my most life transitioning times, some i 'believed' would be there forever and for everything. but notice the past tense on believe. because they are not there and as far as im concerned they never were. so now that I do have a person in my life that will be there, that has been there, and has shown that she's not going anywhere i walk on what i like to refer to as--eggshells.

fuckin eggshells. so far i've been anything but a good judge of character seeing as i've put my heart and soul into these friendships and have, as previously noted, lost every last one of them. so i continuously think that the common denominator in each of those freindships was of course myself. so it has to be my fault somewhere along the line right?... wrong.... maybe a little right. see I can't even type that its not always my fault because saying it and believing it are two different things.

so here I am talking myself in circles over what may not really make much sense in the first place when all i really wanted to note was I lack patience. and at first intention i was referring to my necessity for things to be instantaneous. like explanations, new shoes, grades, cars, fights and resolutions... the list goes on.

but here i am... again a lost soul with a list of problems. we all have problems though right? so ill move on, wake up tomorrow morning to another beautiful san diego day. kiss the love of my life on the forehead and feed my puppy before i head off to another perfectly scheduled day of , work and chores 'patiently' await the arrival of a roommate/bestie, hope she'll text me a random comment because she wants to share something with me, type up another one of these (because i have set a goal for myself to write more as a personal therapy) and head to bed for another day of self-stricken fiasco.

until we speak again,

i'm still the fucked up version of my formal self

lindsay.

i miss you daddy. every day with everything i have. dodgers are having a good season ;)

It's been a very long time ladies and gentlemen, so lets do this quick and dirty style shall we.

1. so boo-skee and i lives in a studio for a wopping 3 months and hated every minute of it. not only did it suck waking up at the buck fuck of dawn having to take brooklyn on a walk to do the... you know... necessities of life. But if it wasnt for poopy duty we'd have to move our cars out of illegal parking situations because the night before after arriving home from a long strenuous day at work not a spot was available remotely close to our complex. Lets see, what else. no garbage disposal. no space. tiny bathroom. the list continues. so what did we do about this unsatifying situation. we moved. again. thats right im officially in my 6th household of 5 years living down here in the most sought out city in the country. But let me tell you this location was totally worth it. we did have to break a lease and find a new tenant, but all struggles aside back to it being totally worth it. i do live in what could quite possibly be the most crowded household in san diego, but so far its been a blasty . 8 people 4 bedrooms, 2 randoms from craigslist who turned out to be ridiculously awesome dudes. not to mention the loves of my life (puppy and boo) and my best friend. So yeah its a little crowded and we have to sweep and do the dishes just about every other second, but I dont think I'd trade it for the world.

2. My last semester is under way and I must say its a little surreal. it just doesnt seem that 5 years ago i was a little freshy in the dorms scared as hell to meet new people and enter that 'real world' everyone had been spoon feeding me for the previous 18 years. i only have 2 classes so thats pretty awesome stress wise except for the fact that i dont really feel like a student at all and i kinda love being a student. the long campus walks with my ear buds rocking killer tunes runnin into teammates and grabbin peabodys organic iced coffee for 2 hour lectures. man... im gonna miss that. but im still pretty excited for what the world is gonna bring.

3. speaking of gifts from the world i just got accepted as an intern for a dream job. its with StayClassy.org which is a social media networking site that is used as a link between charities and event planners where planners make a little money and give back a crap load of money. its an awesome company and program and im incredibly excited about it.

well i guess thats all I have for now. quickie update on the freakishly dynamic life i live that is threateningly busy now a days so if i go another couple months without an update please forgive me for my lack of time management skills.

until we speak again.

im still lindsay.